|Volume 4 - Issue 06 JUNE 2006||
FIRST COME THE TEARS...
By Ms. Ira Strum
Tears…Of All Kinds
When I see You, Baba, even from a long distance, my eyes fill with tears. They are unexplainable and uncontrollable, yet I trust them: they tell me that something is true! I have been around You the last five months and during these five months my strongest experiences have been through tears.
“You need them” it seemed You whispered in my ears just a few days ago. “They soften you and open the door for me to enter. They are cleaning your mind. There are all kinds of tears,” You continued, “Tears of sadness, tears of joy, of depression, of hope, excitement, laughter, tears of longing . . . tears of love.”
Saved By An Inner Voice
I came to see Sai Baba after three years of crisis. Three years with very little sleep, and with breathing problems. Three years of not being able to be with my cats. Three years of nightmares and fear; of running from one therapist to another, from one place to another trying to escape from myself. I was feeling trapped in a cage within my body and my soul was screaming for help. But no one could help. Everything had lost meaning and door after door seemed closed. There was no solution on the horizon. In July, 2005, I was so desperate that I wanted to put an end to my life.
“I want to leave this world with a smile,” I heard myself saying without thinking. Then it seemed as if Baba Himself was calling me to come saying: “You are waiting for a personal invitation. Come after your feasts; it can be after the Birthday.” So I did.
The Inner Process Begins In Puttaparthi
I came full of fear but with some hope. Fear of the culture shock in India and hope because I had already been told that Baba is ‘a man of miracles’. The minute I arrived in the ashram, people started telling me all kinds of stories. ‘This is a place of miracles they whispered’ - so I was expecting a miracle!
Childishly enough I was expecting a fairy tale miracle: to go to sleep at night and wake up the next morning relieved from all pains. Of course, what happened was just the opposite – more and more pain.
The tears of my first three months in Puttaparthi had only one colour: sadness. I was crying from morning till night. I was crying from what I was seeing outside and from what I was seeing inside. It felt like I had all the sorrow in the world, from many generations. The nights were a nightmare with very little sleep and I fell sick quite often.
There is a saying in Judaism which is called “Naase Venishma”. Actually it is an instruction in the Tora (Bible) meaning: ‘First we do (what God says); only then we will understand (or will be given the reason).’
I accepted this precept and in practising it I felt some relief. When there were only two weeks left for my stay in India, I left Puttaparthi and went to be in nature. I needed to be alone and more silent. I chose Kodai Kanal because Baba would be visiting soon and I found a farm surrounded by nature.
Kodai Kanal – The Turning Point
Unfortunately, the day Baba was supposed to arrive was exactly the day of my departure. I was expected to be home for an important Jewish festival, the Pesach feast. Yet as that time drew closer, I felt that I could not go. I was forced from within to stay on. I extended my stay for two more weeks just to see Him again.
During the evening before Pesach, which we call Leil Haseder, Darshan became a Bhajan celebration.
[Leil haseder, the evening of the Pesach feast is when all the family gathers together to sing praises to God. The songs are based on bible stories which describe how God liberated His people, Israel, from slavery in Egypt.]
The singing went on and on as if it was a special festival. The wonderful voices were lifting everyone up as I sat outside, looking up at the sky, feeling the music expanding my heart.
“Finding My Way….After Years”
The next day was Pesach itself. It was the first time I was hearing a discourse, and the first time Baba, I heard Your physical voice. As Your discourse continued, I realized that You answered all my questions - even the ones I didn’t know I had. You were encouraging me to be who I am.
You were my inspiration, my mirror and my guide. At some point You, my voice from within, God - all became one. It was then that I felt only love. It was a feeling, not just a thought – for this I thank God.
I know the work is not finished…maybe it is just the start. I pray that You will always be my guide and my guard. I wish that my tears will keep me open enough for You to find entrance. Needless to say I fell in love with India and with the wonderful hearts You sent on my way.
Dear Reader, how did you like this article? Did it help you in anyway? Would you like more of such readers' expereinces? Please let us know at [email protected] Please mention your name and country when you write to us. Thank you for your time.
- Heart2Heart Team
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Vol 4 Issue 06 - JUNE 2006
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